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Caring for the Caregiver
Random thoughts on
caring for oneself again
When my husband, Devin,
was first diagnosed with leukemia, I did not consider myself a
caregiver. I was a mother and a wife. But the reality of constant care
and daily hospital runs settled in like a cool fog, clouding my ability
to see life beyond the next pillbox.
I was fortunate in that my
in-laws and parents helped me through these challenging times, but there
were so many others who wanted to know, How can I help? It never
dawned on me they were also asking, How can I help you?
v The phrase, “How can I help?”
is inherently flawed. In my husband’s last days, I was
consumed by being with him. After his death, I was consumed with
paperwork. I didn’t want to think. I wanted someone to do that for me.
v If
there are children involved, offer to sit for them while the couple or
caregiver goes out. Or take the children somewhere, as they are often
in need of a diversion. They need to live, regardless of who has died.
v Stand
in for the parent. I was once given tickets to take my son to the
Cincinnati Red’s game. Yet I had sat through so many others and knew I
couldn’t focus. Inside, I was begging for someone to step up and say,
“I’ll take him”.
v Talking
about the deceased is the best therapy for anyone who is grieving. My
son relishes in stories that his grandparents often share, including one
where his father broke his arm and needed a cast. This helped
connect my son to his dad and ease
his thoughts about his own accident where he fractured three
fingers and subsequently had them cast.
v Give
the caregiver space to be alone yet continue to make the offers. Many
times I said, “No thanks,” but on the occasion that I did, I was
thankful someone had asked. My best friend today continues to line up
sitters so I can go out without feeling the weight of guilt.
v Get
to know the caregiver as a separate entity from the deceased, from the
grief. Relationships of mine that focused on me and my interests were
so gratifying and helped me redefine my life.
One last piece of advice
to friends coping with a tragedy in the family or circle of friends:
“Do what’s in your heart.” The caregiver will feel this gesture in a
way that flowers can't replicate.
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Three Arch Press