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Caring for the Caregiver
Random thoughts on caring for oneself again
When my husband, Devin, was first diagnosed with leukemia, I did not consider myself a caregiver. I was a mother and a wife. But the reality of constant care and daily hospital runs settled in like a cool fog, clouding my ability to see life beyond the next pillbox.
I was fortunate in that my in-laws and parents helped me through these challenging times, but there were so many others who wanted to know, How can I help? It never dawned on me they were also asking, How can I help you?
v The phrase, “How can I help?” is inherently flawed. In my husband’s last days, I was consumed by being with him. After his death, I was consumed with paperwork. I didn’t want to think. I wanted someone to do that for me.
v If there are children involved, offer to sit for them while the couple or caregiver goes out. Or take the children somewhere, as they are often in need of a diversion. They need to live, regardless of who has died.
v Stand in for the parent. I was once given tickets to take my son to the Cincinnati Red’s game. Yet I had sat through so many others and knew I couldn’t focus. Inside, I was begging for someone to step up and say, “I’ll take him”.
v Talking about the deceased is the best therapy for anyone who is grieving. My son relishes in stories that his grandparents often share, including one where his father broke his arm and needed a cast. This helped connect my son to his dad and ease his thoughts about his own accident where he fractured three fingers and subsequently had them cast.
v Give the caregiver space to be alone yet continue to make the offers. Many times I said, “No thanks,” but on the occasion that I did, I was thankful someone had asked. My best friend today continues to line up sitters so I can go out without feeling the weight of guilt.
v Get to know the caregiver as a separate entity from the deceased, from the grief. Relationships of mine that focused on me and my interests were so gratifying and helped me redefine my life.
One last piece of advice to friends coping with a tragedy in the family or circle of friends: “Do what’s in your heart.” The caregiver will feel this gesture in a way that flowers can't replicate.
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